Trusting You With My Heart

How do I trust you?  You break my heart time and time again.  You don’t mean to but it happens.  Deep betrayal.  Deep hurt.  I just sit there and listen.  I don’t tell you how it makes me feel.  I don’t show you the tears that are inside me.  How can I when you are the one who breaks my heart time and time again.

When I am hurting, I push you away.  I put walls up.  I do it automatically without thinking about it.  I did it again when you told me about your betrayal.  I did not share anything except I am glad you were honest with me.

Now what?

I know the answer.

I have shared the tears with God.  I have shared the tears with some trusted friends, from my recovery group.  My part is telling you the TRUTH and trusting you with those tears and heartache that you caused.  It is taking the RISK and sharing my heart with you.  I need to do this.  I don’t want to.

What if you hurt me again?

What if you reject me?

What if it happens some more and nothing changes?

BUT……..

What if I tell you and you listen?

What if I tell you and you hold me while I shed those tears?

What if I tell you and change occurs?

God I need you here with me.  I bring my broken heart to you to mend.  I need you to help give me strength to trust.  I need you to give me courage.  I need you to give me the words to say.  I need you to help me.  I am hurting.  I am afraid.  I am yours.  Help break my walls down.  Help me to forgive.  Help me to feel my feelings and express them.  I hear the words in my mind that you once whispered to my heart long ago when I first started recovery, “Share your heart.  Tell others what is inside.  You are not alone my beloved.  You are safe hidden in my love.”  Help me find safety in Your Love, so that I may share my heart once again instead of hiding behind my walls.

One Thing For the Year: Letting Go

Sitting in the car looking out at the frozen lake, with snow falling all around.  Breathtakingly beautiful sights of God’s creation around me.  Yet my thoughts were as frozen as that lake that day.  I was frozen with fear inside me.  I could not move as if I was stuck in the snow.  I could feel the fear inside freezing me until all I could do was be afraid.  I finally pulled out the twelve steps from my recovery group, Delta. 

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 

Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 

Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

Step 7: We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out. 

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.  

I started reading and praying through the steps.  The tears silently started to fall down my face.  I started writing in my journal pouring out my heart to God.  God I want control.  I don’t want to give it up. I want control over my husband’s health issues.  I want it to all go away.  I don’t want to lose the one dream I have left, of growing old together.  I am afraid of him dying and I will lose him forever.  I will be abandoned.  I will be alone.  I want to be God in this instance and make this decision, not you.  

Eventually the tears stopped.  I looked out and saw the beauty around me of freshly fallen snow.  I felt God saying to me, “Let go, Trust Me.”  Not a tangible voice, but still God speaking deep to my heart.  

Struggling deep in my heart, I realized I couldn’t let go.  I can not do it on my own.  God help me to let go and trust you when it is hard.  Help me to realize that you are the one who has control, not me.  My control is but an illusion at best, at my worst it is me trying to play god, instead of trusting you.  Every night I am falling asleep saying over and over, I chose to trust you God when I am worrying about my husband.  Every day I am taking it moment by moment.  Help me to continue to trust you and let go of what needs to be let go off.  I have been talking to friends, my recovery group, and a pastor/counselor.  I am trusting God and others with what is inside of me.  I am telling them and sharing my heart.  It is a constant struggle to chose to talk and write and tell others my heart, but it is the only way I see healing occur.  We were not made to go things alone.  God designed us for community first with him and then with others.  

What is your One Thing for the Year? 

Who are you sharing your struggles with? 

I trust You, Jesus

My year of letting go has already had some challenges.  My husband’s health, I want to control all that is going on. I want to be able to make sure he eats what is healthy.  I want to make sure he is following everything the doctor says.  I want to have him do everything just right.  

Yet this is something that even if he does everything right he has no control over.  He has a health issue that often happens.  He could die one of these times when he has an episode. The truth is that he could die from so many other things that don’t terrify me like this does.  What about if he got in a car wreck?  I am not scared when he drive the car.  What if?  What if?  I can not trust in “What if.” 

I love him with all my heart and don’t want anything to happen to him.  Yet the truth is that I can not control this.  He can not control this.  The only thing left to do is to trust God with my husband and his health.  Yet it is a struggle for me to let go.  I am having issues with accepting that I can not do anything, even though my head realizes this it isn’t in my heart.  

Today on a calendar I got it says, “I WANT YOU TO LEARN A NEW HABIT. Try saying, “I trust You, Jesus” in response to whatever happens to you. If there is a time, think about who I AM in all My Power and Glory; ponder also the depth and breadth of My Love for you. This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation, acknowledging MY sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective – through the Light of MY universal Presence – fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they  flow directly from My hand of grace.  Your continually assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me.”  

So today, in this circumstance that I try to control, with no success,  I say “I trust You, Jesus.”  I trust you instead of “what if?” I trust you to take care of my husband when I can’t.  I trust you no matter what happens.   I chose to trust you in the midst of fear.  I chose to trust you in the midst of hard circumstances.  Help me when I try to control.  Help me when I forget to trust.  Help me when fear seems so overwhelming I forget to trust.  Help me to always trust you.