In the past when I have been upset and angry with God, I shared it with him. After all he was my best friend and I knew he could handle all of me and my emotions. Since about January I have been experiencing flashbacks of several different assaults I have had. My anxiety and depression has skyrocketed. Panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares would leave me exhausted. I started to become angry with God and instead of sharing I shut him out. I told him, I don’t want to talk to you right now, I am angry. I had no clue how to breakthrough to him and my own barrier I had built between us.
I still prayed for other people I was concerned about. I still loved singing the songs on K-Love Radio. I shared my heart with in skin friends and my recovery group, who I know listened to me and prayed for me. I was working through it all with a Christian counselor. Yet the one thing I refused to do was talk about why I was angry with God, to him personally. It has been several months since I really shared and wrote in my journal, “Dear God….”
I have been reading Bonnie Gray’s book Finding Spiritual Whitespace. This post is part of the “Finding Spiritual Whitespace Blog Tour” which I am a part of, along with a group of soulful, journeying kindreds.
Bonnie is also the author of the blog Faith Barista. I have been reading Bonnie’s blog now for about four years. We have become kindreds on journey together. I remember two years ago as she started to write a book and began having trouble writing and blogging due to her own struggles, praying for her regularly. She has become a dear friend who I have never meet in person, but we have exchanged emails and talked on each other’s blogs to one another.
She has been emailing me encouragement to keep going and walk the journey through. She assured me the anger was a normal place to be in and to tell it to God.
“But there comes a time when it takes more faith to fall apart with Jesus than to stay strong enough to stop it from happening.” pg 32
I also have another person who I remember telling me that walking into the dark parts of me with Jesus is better than walking in the light without him.
After work one day last week, I was doing some errands. I stopped and got a drink at Sonic and went to Pertle Springs. I sat in my car under a shady tree listening to K-LOVE radio watching the sun sparkle on the lake. The song Just Say Jesus came on. I just screamed out Jesus and broke the silent treatment I had been giving God because of being angry with Him. I poured to him that I was angry and how come things couldn’t be easier and when would this go away and whatever else came to mind. Another song… I didn’t know the name of it…. but the line, “I AM … holding onto you” is what I heard. I have since looked up the song, I AM by David Crowder. It is all still there the anxiety, depression, and flashbacks but I have more peace than I have had in awhile.
Even the past couple of days have been harder, since that one moment last week. I have had several triggers and moments of overwhelming tears and panic. I am struggling to hold it together. I have had several friends and my dear husband, who I have been able to tell about the flashbacks and panic attacks. I am not only walking with God in my mess, I am sharing with trusted friends.
“Open-hearted vulnerability. We seek a deeper level of friendship when stress and anxiety bit us. We seek friends who are not afraid of the vulnerability, friends who meet us heart to heart. Being known. This is what we find in the whitespace of friendship. Vulnerability is what our soul needs to rest.” pg 131
Bonnie’s book is NOT just another book about REST. It is a book that has helped me to look at my own soul. In all honesty it is a book that I am taking slowly and thoughtfully. I am not just reading it to check it off my check list. I am letting myself connect with parts of me that previously I have left untouched and hidden. Please go here to learn more about Spiritual Whitespace.