Where?

Panic!

Terror!

Fear!

God where are you in this?

You say perfect love drves out fear,

but all I have some days is

overwhelming

FEAR!

Tears.

Frustration.

Helpless.

I come once again,

to pour out myself to YOU.

Crying Out!

Come Help!

Tears,

Release my soul to YOU.

I chose YOU,

every time.

I need YOUR perfect love!

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Love? Really?

Beloved.  

A word that stirs up conflict within my soul.  Somewhere I picked up the idea that letting others love me was something I was not worthy of.  It is something I struggle to receive from others and from God.

Worthy of love?  Really?

You all don’t know me and my heart like I do, so it can’t be true.  It is a lie I tell myself so often. It is a struggle to think of myself worthy of close friendships.  It is a struggle to trust others with what is inside of me.

Truth be told none of us are worthy of God’s love for we are all sinners.  Yet he loves me and you despite that.  He loves us enough to die for us and make each of us worthy.

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” Song of Songs 6:3″

Worthy of love? Really?

Yes, I am.  Yes, you are.

Beloved.  

Forever My Love You Will Be

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Back when we were dating/engaged I read my husband a children’s book called Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.  There was a poem inside that the mother sings to her son each night before bed.

 “I like you for always.

 I love you forever.

Forever my baby you will be.”

We changed it up for ourselves and said to each other often:

I like you for always

I love you forever

Forever my love you will be.

I even inscribed the last line inside his wedding ring before I gave the ring to him on our wedding day.  Last May we have been married thirteen years.  As Valentine’s Day approaches I have been thinking of this.   There have been so many things over the years that have happened.

Fights

Betrayal

Chronic illness

Money struggles

Job loss

Death of close family members

Depression

Anxiety

Codependency

So much to drive walls between us.  At times I was angry with you or you with me.  There were times I didn’t like  you or you didn’t like me.  Yet as I think back over the years I continue to remember there is so much more than our trials to look back on.

Walks in the park discovering nature together.

Going on drives looking for deer.

Taking care of one another when sick.

Watching shows together and snuggling.

Looking deep inside the other beyond the walls.

Listening.

Acceptance

Holding One Another

Giving GRACE

Hope

God has been there in the midst of it all with us.  Holding us.  Helping us.   I say to myself and you once again, in front of God and the world.

I like you for always

I love you forever

Forever my love you will be.

Who are You?

I introduce myself every week, “Hi I am Katie, a grateful believer who struggles with codependency, depression, and anxiety.”  I often try to control things that are beyond my control.  I hide my heart from people who I think may hurt me.  I hide behind walls that I mean for protection, but in the end they end up keeping me isolated and feeling alone.  

I say I am a grateful believer first because that is where my identity lies, not in my labels, but in who I am in Christ.  My recovery group, Delta, is a safe place for me to share and come out of hiding.  It is a place for me to receive grace and acceptance when I mess up in life.  After sharing here in my safe place, I find it is easier to share with others in my life who I am.    When I need to share with my husband, often these ladies will keep asking me if I have talked to him, until I do it and share.  They accept me and love right where I am at.  

So often by those who know me wonder why I am in a 12 Step Recovery Group, Delta, I don’t drink or do drugs so why do I go?  I go because it is a safe place to share my hurts and fears and dreams.  I go because of the grace I have experienced there.  Just because I don’t  drink or do drugs does not mean I don’t have an addiction.  Addiction comes in so many ways.  A friend of mine said once, if you don’t like the word addiction, just replace it with the word sin.  For all of us are addicted to our sins.  Have you ever tried to stop sinning? 

Who are you?  What addiction (sin) are you struggling with?  Who do you share your heart with?  Share a piece of it with someone today!