Inspired by Bonnie over at Faith Barista, I did something last week that is NOT me. I invited some friends to come celebrate my birthday with me. They were friends from my recovery group. It wasn’t the actually day of my birthday, but it was the day we were free to come together and celebrate.
The fear I had was overwhelming, just inviting people to do something outside of my safe recovery group, even though those I invited were safe people. Maybe they would all have to work? Maybe the bad weather should cancel it? I had some medical stress of a loved one just days before, so I almost cancelled it. I take care of others, when I was a childcare provider, of my husband who has a chronic illness. I take care of what needs to be done at work. I don’t do things for me.
But I took the time to go and celebrate. I had said, no presents, each of us pay our own check, including me. We got to the place I picked out and it was closed. So I waited outside in the cold and snow for the others to show up, since I had no way of calling, my cell phone was out of minutes. I thought I had gathered all who said they were coming and we headed someplace else, a second choice. I was disappointed, but decided to make the best of it. We went and talked and just had some fun being together. It came time to pay and my friends each took some extra money out and paid my bill. I had gotten some things more expensive to treat myself.
I did not expect this generosity. Instead of making a scene, I just said thank you. I went home and started to cry. I couldn’t figure out why I was crying at first. Finally I realized I did not feel worthy of them paying for me. Why would they want to do that? Why would anyone want to treat me? I am not worthy of them loving me. I am not worthy of the kindness shown. I just did not feel like I was worthy to be loved by others in any fashion at all. So often my own anxiety and depression make me feel so lost and alone.
Luke 15 is parables of things that are lost and the lengths the owners go to find them, a sheep, a coin, and a son. Many of us know the story of the Prodigal Son. Just picturing the Father running and hugging his son and then giving him a party because he was his son, no matter how he had messed up. He was worthy just because he was his son and was home again.
“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:17
“So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.” Galatians 4:7
“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.” Titus 3:3-7
I was the lost sheep, coin, daughter. I am a daughter of Christ. It is was hard celebrating me. I learned it is ok to celebrate me. So for the year of 2014, I am focusing on one thing, worthy. I am worthy of all the good things, not just the bad things that happen. I am worthy to be celebrated. I am worthy of friendships that are close. I am worthy of prayers and tears of others on my behalf. I am worthy of celebrating. I am worthy of dancing to songs in the middle of my kitchen if I feel like it (my friend does this a lot and I like that she celebrates). I am worthy of love. I am WORTHY.