Finding Hope

I use to have a mask that kept me hidden from the world.  It was a mask of smiles and saying everything is fine.  Yet it was a lie that I told others and myself.  I told myself for so long I believed it. I would not let myself feel the “bad” feelings.  The feelings were stuffed so deep, I did not realize they were there.  I would not let myself cry unless it was for a storybook character or fictional tv character.  I was so much like Spock on Star Trek pretending I did not have emotions.

Then I found I could not hide from myself anymore.  I would blow up in anger at the littlest things my husband did.  I would cry for no apparent reason at times.  I was hurting deep and had never expressed it to anyone.

I started attending Celebrate Recovery six/seven… maybe more years ago.  I started to learn to explore what was going on inside me.   I started counseling with a pastor.  I started learning that feelings were just feelings, not good or bad.  I had to learn to give myself permission to feel all my feelings.  I had to learn to cry and grieve.   I let God and a few trusted others know the real me, deep inside.  I let them see my tears.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving

In learning to grieve and cry for my hurts of my past, I learned to love more deeply God and those around me.

“Emotions are the colors of the soul; they are spectacular and incredible. When you don’t feel, the world becomes dull and colorless.” ~ The Shack by William P. Young

I connected with others who were hurting just like me.  I connected with others who just needed someone to listen to them.  In doing so they were God’s grace and love to me.  They showed me hope and love when I saw none.

“When we open up to friendship, we free our hearts to connect with Christ. We are saying, I see beauty, to the other.” Bonnie Gray – Faith Barista

Feel all your feelings.   Trust others with who you are deep inside.  Give yourself permission to love and grieve.  Give yourself over to God and see what he does inside you.

I still struggle with many issues happening in my life.  Yet looking back and seeing what God has done gives me hope to keep on going and trusting in the hope God gives.

Joining others at the jam session:

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14 thoughts on “Finding Hope

  1. Thank you for sharing your journey. I too found myself angry all the time and splashing my bitterness all over everyone around me. In the past year I took that step into healing relationships and I am experiencing the flow of grief for the first time these last few months. The Lord has helped me understand I’m not on a road to get fixed. I am on a road to get resilient and capable. Yes the issues will always be there, but he’s now giving me tools to work through them in a healthy, authentic manner. Your testimony confirms that what he is saying to me is true. I am encouraged by your words. Thank you.

  2. What a beautiful testimony you have, Katie. I didn’t know you when you kept your feelings to yourself, but I sure am glad I know you now. Sometimes it’s so painful to let ourselves feel our feelings but it’s better in the long run. Today I found myself crying and not really knowing why, but after initially trying to analyze it, I just let go and got it over with. ha. And then I felt better.

    Thanks for sharing your heart with us. It’s a beautiful thing.

    1. No you have only known me since I have been feeling my feelings. I still struggle with letting myself cry, but it comes when I know I am in a safe environment with safe people. Thank you for your encouragement.

  3. Hi there! Popping over from Bonnie’s. I can totally relate to this! “I would not let myself cry unless it was for a storybook character or fictional tv character.”
    Beautiful words!
    Have a blessed evening! 🙂

  4. Good morning, Katie. Thank you for your honesty. I also struggle to accept my feelings as just feelings (not good or bad, merely present). It is reassuring to know that others do as well. I love your quote about “Emotions are the colors of the soul.” I lived in shades of gray far too long – and, even now, find myself relapsing to those shades when I get discouraged. Your words are an encouragement to me. Thank you.

  5. this is so beautiful. thank you for sharing~ allowing ourselves to feel is a wonderful reminder that we are really and truly alive… this wonderful God gift!
    a blessed 2014 to you dear one

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