I use to have a mask that kept me hidden from the world. It was a mask of smiles and saying everything is fine. Yet it was a lie that I told others and myself. I told myself for so long I believed it. I would not let myself feel the “bad” feelings. The feelings were stuffed so deep, I did not realize they were there. I would not let myself cry unless it was for a storybook character or fictional tv character. I was so much like Spock on Star Trek pretending I did not have emotions.
Then I found I could not hide from myself anymore. I would blow up in anger at the littlest things my husband did. I would cry for no apparent reason at times. I was hurting deep and had never expressed it to anyone.
I started attending Celebrate Recovery six/seven… maybe more years ago. I started to learn to explore what was going on inside me. I started counseling with a pastor. I started learning that feelings were just feelings, not good or bad. I had to learn to give myself permission to feel all my feelings. I had to learn to cry and grieve. I let God and a few trusted others know the real me, deep inside. I let them see my tears.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving
In learning to grieve and cry for my hurts of my past, I learned to love more deeply God and those around me.
“Emotions are the colors of the soul; they are spectacular and incredible. When you don’t feel, the world becomes dull and colorless.” ~ The Shack by William P. Young
I connected with others who were hurting just like me. I connected with others who just needed someone to listen to them. In doing so they were God’s grace and love to me. They showed me hope and love when I saw none.
“When we open up to friendship, we free our hearts to connect with Christ. We are saying, I see beauty, to the other.” Bonnie Gray – Faith Barista
Feel all your feelings. Trust others with who you are deep inside. Give yourself permission to love and grieve. Give yourself over to God and see what he does inside you.
I still struggle with many issues happening in my life. Yet looking back and seeing what God has done gives me hope to keep on going and trusting in the hope God gives.