Tonight I shared my story, again at Delta (my twelve step group) up in front of EVERYONE. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.
My fear is still there. It is something I don’t like to do, getting up and sharing my heart in front of a crowd of people. It is hard enough sometimes one on one sharing my heart.
I am doing it though. When I first started in my Celebrate Recovery Group, I wouldn’t share at all. I would just pass and let others speak.
Looking back five/six/seven… I have lost track of when I started going now. I see how much of myself has changed, yet I am still the same person who really just wants to run and hide. I don’t want to share what is going on deep inside. I want darkness to envelope me and hide me from everyone. Yet in the darkness, Jesus shines that much brighter. Psalm 139 says that even darkness won’t hide me from God because He is there. Going into the darkness and through the fear of sharing my heart is the only way to get to the sun.
The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one come to the sunrise. I discovered in that moment that I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best as I cold. Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than try to outrun it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and to allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it. I chose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what it would mean.” Jerry Sittser — A Grace Disquised
Sharing my heart is the best way to remain heading to the sun and through the darkness.