I ran into the director who fired me last year and accused me of child abuse. I was picking up snacks for our recovery group last night. She pulled up in the grocery line behind met and had that fake smile and fake hi how are you? I had seen her in the store and had rushed to check out since I was done shopping, so I would not have to face her. I just answered fine and went back to what I was doing and left. I refused to do small talk and fake that we were friends.
God’s timing was good. I left there in such turmoil inside. I still feel the shame that comes from just being accused and fired from teaching daycare/preschool, even though none of it was my doing and false. And just anger. I wanted to punch her, cuss her out and all sorts of in appropriate things came to mind. God has shown me how I am innocent, not just of this which is untrue, but how I am innocent of what I have done wrong and sinned and should be called out on because he took it on the cross for ME. Yet those feelings still came up.
I went to Delta my recovery group which is a safe place for me. My friend and pastor was there. I was able to share with him first, then later in small group. His lesson had a poem on anger last night and walls and letting anger turn to bitterness. I don’t have walls up, I am talking and sharing but it still there. I am talking to God about how I don’t want to forgive and don’t feel like I can forgive and to help me forgive and forgive through me because I don’t know how. I am feeling my feelings.
BUT 6 years ago when I first came to recovery group and then later started counseling, I would not even feel my feelings, they were stuffed so deep and walls were so high. I was angry, hurting and bitter then. I had it inside me so deep, I did not even see it was there. Yet it was seeping out of me. Snide remarks, judgemental attitude, know it all, and blow ups toward people. While I do still slide back into these things sometimes (I really do….), I see how far I have come, but that I have a ways to go still. I am working the twelve steps, I am talking with God and others about what is inside me. I am continuing to break through the walls I put up around myself.