Today I had an assignment to finish for a class I am participating in at church. I went out to the lake where the ducks and geese were swimming so gracefully. The snow from yesterday looked so white and clean and pure. I wrote out a letter to God, like most of my private writing is. I listed past wrongs and sins and asked forgiveness again. I am aware in my head that he forgave me the first time I asked, but somehow it is harder to forgive myself. I see the evil and sin that I have done in my own heart and I can’t seem to forgive myself. It seemed that holding onto it was a way of punishing myself even if God wouldn’t.
As I wrote my letter a son came on KLOVE radio, Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave. The tears came pouring out of me. Tears of gratitude of how much I have been forgiven. Tears of the realization that I don’t have to punish myself because Jesus already took that punishment upon himself at the cross when he died for my sins. Yet Jesus rose from the dead and was redeemed. Just as he is redeemed so am I.
Psalm 32 (The Message)
A David Psalm
32 Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be—
you get a fresh start,
your slate’s wiped clean.
2 Count yourself lucky—
God holds nothing against you
and you’re holding nothing back from him.
3 When I kept it all inside,
my bones turned to powder,
my words became daylong groans.
4 The pressure never let up;
all the juices of my life dried up.
5 Then I let it all out;
I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God.”
Suddenly the pressure was gone—
my guilt dissolved,
my sin disappeared.
6 These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray;
when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts
we’ll be on high ground, untouched.
7 God’s my island hideaway,
keeps danger far from the shore,
throws garlands of hosannas around my neck.
8 Let me give you some good advice;
I’m looking you in the eye
and giving it to you straight:
9 “Don’t be ornery like a horse or mule
that needs bit and bridle
to stay on track.”
10 God-defiers are always in trouble;
God-affirmers find themselves loved
every time they turn around.
11 Celebrate God.
All you honest hearts, raise the roof!