How do I trust you? You break my heart time and time again. You don’t mean to but it happens. Deep betrayal. Deep hurt. I just sit there and listen. I don’t tell you how it makes me feel. I don’t show you the tears that are inside me. How can I when you are the one who breaks my heart time and time again.
When I am hurting, I push you away. I put walls up. I do it automatically without thinking about it. I did it again when you told me about your betrayal. I did not share anything except I am glad you were honest with me.
I know the answer.
I have shared the tears with God. I have shared the tears with some trusted friends, from my recovery group. My part is telling you the TRUTH and trusting you with those tears and heartache that you caused. It is taking the RISK and sharing my heart with you. I need to do this. I don’t want to.
What if you hurt me again?
What if you reject me?
What if it happens some more and nothing changes?
What if I tell you and you listen?
What if I tell you and you hold me while I shed those tears?
What if I tell you and change occurs?
God I need you here with me. I bring my broken heart to you to mend. I need you to help give me strength to trust. I need you to give me courage. I need you to give me the words to say. I need you to help me. I am hurting. I am afraid. I am yours. Help break my walls down. Help me to forgive. Help me to feel my feelings and express them. I hear the words in my mind that you once whispered to my heart long ago when I first started recovery, “Share your heart. Tell others what is inside. You are not alone my beloved. You are safe hidden in my love.” Help me find safety in Your Love, so that I may share my heart once again instead of hiding behind my walls.