These words have cluttered my mind most of my life. I can not remember a time when that little voice in my head did not tell me only the bad things about myself. It never let me hear anything good. People might say it but I could not hear it or believe it about myself.
I was the girl down the street who wore the back-brace to school who couldn’t participate in the games played on the playground. I was the girl who had wads of gum stuck in her hair on the bus if I sat anywhere except behind the bus driver. I was the girl down the street who was physically, verbally, and mentally abused. I was the girl who felt inferior to those around her. I was the girl down the block whose parents were divorced back when it was not common for parents to be divorced. I was the girl who felt as if she had no friends until she went off to college.
All I ever knew was the negative. I did not know how to hear or accept the good about myself.
Little by little over time the clutter has slowly begun to be removed by God, through a variety of ways.
I found my hope in God after accepting Christ into my life, but I was a Christian who was hurting inside and had no idea how to deal with it. I was suppose to just grin and bear it as I had always done. I wasn’t going to tell how I felt because that only led to more hurt in my life.
I love my husband so much. He is the first person who said that I was beautiful who I truly believed. Yet I still fought that little voice inside my head that would add……… “but you would be prettier if………..” Not a day has gone by in our thirteen years of marriage where he does not tell me how beautiful I am. So slowly over time, his loving voice has begun to replace the voice that tells me I am ugly.
I was recommended by a friend to help lead a small group. I went to him and asked why he suggested me. His answer, “Because you have a beautiful heart. You have something to offer others.” Another bit of clutter cleared out of my mind as I found someone saw something of worth inside of my heart.
I participate in Delta, a 12 Step Recovery Group, this group accepted me and all of my mess. When I first walked in there was no way I would open my mouth to speak. I was just going to check it out. Slowly as I listened to the women in the group share their struggles, I began to understand this was a SAFE group to open up to. I slowly began to share my past with some people. They gave me grace when I had no grace for myself. They loved me for me. Even more clutter has cleared out by receiving grace and love from others. Now I have a chance to give that grace and love to others, as I help co-lead the group.
Adopted Daughter of the King
What clutters your mind?
Joining in with Bonnie over at Faith Barista!