Mind Clutter

Useless

Hopeless

Stupid

Your Fault

Coward

Anxiety

Depression

Abused

Ugly

Hated

Disabled

Picked on

Beat Up

Hopeless

Worthless

These words have cluttered my mind most of my life. I can not remember a time when that little voice in my head did not tell me only the bad things about myself.  It never let me hear anything good.  People might say it but I could not hear it or believe it about myself.  

I was the girl down the street who wore the back-brace to school who couldn’t participate in the games played on the playground. I was the girl who had wads of gum stuck in her hair on the bus if I sat anywhere except behind the bus driver.  I was the girl down the street who was physically, verbally, and mentally abused.  I was the girl who felt inferior to those around her.  I was the girl down the block whose parents were divorced back when it was not common for parents to be divorced.   I was the girl who felt as if she had no friends until she went off to college.  

All I ever knew was the negative.  I did not know how to hear or accept the good about myself.  

Little by little over time the clutter has slowly begun to be removed by God, through a variety of ways.  

I found my hope in God after accepting Christ into my life, but I was a Christian who was hurting inside and had no idea how to deal with it.  I was suppose to just grin and bear it as I had always done.  I wasn’t going to tell how I felt because that only led to more hurt in my life.  

I love my husband so much.  He is the first person who said that I was beautiful who I truly believed.   Yet I still fought that little voice inside my head that would add……… “but you would be prettier if………..”  Not a day has gone by in our thirteen years of marriage where he does not tell me how beautiful I am.  So  slowly over time, his loving voice has begun to replace the voice that tells me I am ugly.   

 I was recommended by a friend to help lead a small group.  I went to him and asked why he suggested me.  His answer, “Because you have a beautiful heart. You have something to offer others.”   Another bit of clutter cleared out of my mind as I found someone saw something of worth inside of my heart.

I participate in Delta, a 12 Step Recovery Group, this group accepted me and all of my mess.  When I first walked in there was no way I would open my mouth to speak.  I was just going to check it out.  Slowly as I listened to the women in the group share their struggles, I began to understand this was a SAFE group to open up to.  I slowly began to share my past with some people.  They gave me grace when I had no grace for myself.  They loved me for me.  Even more clutter has cleared out by receiving grace and love from others.  Now I have a chance to give that grace and love to others, as I help co-lead the group.  

Blessed

Hopeful

Grace

Loved

Peace

Friendship

Beautiful

Accepted

Defended

Adopted Daughter of the King 

What clutters your mind?  

Joining in with Bonnie over at Faith Barista!  

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Mind Clutter

  1. I have had a similar journey. It was just in the last year that I have been able to receive the fullness of God’s love. It made it safe to receive love from others, especially my husband.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s