Sitting in the car looking out at the frozen lake, with snow falling all around. Breathtakingly beautiful sights of God’s creation around me. Yet my thoughts were as frozen as that lake that day. I was frozen with fear inside me. I could not move as if I was stuck in the snow. I could feel the fear inside freezing me until all I could do was be afraid. I finally pulled out the twelve steps from my recovery group, Delta.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7: We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I started reading and praying through the steps. The tears silently started to fall down my face. I started writing in my journal pouring out my heart to God. God I want control. I don’t want to give it up. I want control over my husband’s health issues. I want it to all go away. I don’t want to lose the one dream I have left, of growing old together. I am afraid of him dying and I will lose him forever. I will be abandoned. I will be alone. I want to be God in this instance and make this decision, not you.
Eventually the tears stopped. I looked out and saw the beauty around me of freshly fallen snow. I felt God saying to me, “Let go, Trust Me.” Not a tangible voice, but still God speaking deep to my heart.
Struggling deep in my heart, I realized I couldn’t let go. I can not do it on my own. God help me to let go and trust you when it is hard. Help me to realize that you are the one who has control, not me. My control is but an illusion at best, at my worst it is me trying to play god, instead of trusting you. Every night I am falling asleep saying over and over, I chose to trust you God when I am worrying about my husband. Every day I am taking it moment by moment. Help me to continue to trust you and let go of what needs to be let go off. I have been talking to friends, my recovery group, and a pastor/counselor. I am trusting God and others with what is inside of me. I am telling them and sharing my heart. It is a constant struggle to chose to talk and write and tell others my heart, but it is the only way I see healing occur. We were not made to go things alone. God designed us for community first with him and then with others.
What is your One Thing for the Year?
Who are you sharing your struggles with?