My church does something called Blue Christmas. I have had some trouble the last several years wanting to celebrate Christmas and be joyful and happy. I was just blue and sad and couldn’t tell you why when I first went. I was just starting my journey of looking inside myself and figuring out my emotions. It was a safe place to go and be sad when the world around me was being happy and I wasn’t. I found it was place to be real.
Every year since I first went I find another reason to go. This has been a hard year of loss for me: job loss, loss of beloved Aunt, loss of step-grandmother. I found out that I am having to work this Friday when it is happening. I had asked for the day off, but working retail this time of year it is hard to get off. I talked to my manager. I am going to take an long lunch break and be able to go. It makes my heart swell to know that I can go and be real among trusted friends.
I am going to go and grieve the losses of this last year. I am going to go and be real when the world says have a smile on your face and pretend everything is all right. Stress of my husband’s chronic illness has had me in tear and not sleeping right this past week. Yet I go day by day into a world of retail and put a smile on my face wishing others a Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays.
I am looking forward to Blue Christmas this year. Sharing my heart with others and hearing them share their hearts is a joy all on its own. It is true worship to me. It is worshiping a Savior who is there for us when life is painful and full of sorrow. Tears are just as much an act of worship as praying or singing can be.